Polarised emotions and perceptions

I am going to explain an aspect of being human. And indeed, if you don’t already know this, the awareness will profoundly change your ability to interpret both yourself and others.

You are not “designed” to be only good or only bad. Humans integrate the two polarities. But you can of course manifest them in an unbalanced way. Your unbalanced behaviours are the consequence of your unbalanced perceptions. It is instinctive that something pleases or disgusts you, attracts you or makes you want to pull away. But the moment you define this as positive or negative, attractive or repulsive, you are creating a biased perception that sets in motion an infinite series of choices, attitudes and behaviours that are increasingly aligned with your biased perceptions.

Polarisation is a necessary mechanism to develop the concept of preference or desire. Yet it is also the same mechanism that, unfortunately, leads you to have very unhealthy emotional experiences that end up creating patterns of dependence, impotence, victimhood and anxiety…

I would like to give a simple example. When you meet someone you instinctively like, you feel attracted and tend to see only the positive side of this person. Your perceptive system is chemically influenced to try to get closer to them, and you unconsciously emphasise all the good things you see, completely discounting the negative aspects that they still have. This mechanism is even more intense when you are falling in love: in that phase, the person you fall in love with is almost perfect, you are infatuated with the other and you think that they are the most special and positive person in the world. 

This other is often above even your expectations and this sense of enthusiasm that you feel makes you think they are the one making you happy. Yet it is your unbalanced perception that produces this feeling of happiness. You are so in love with this state and so confused by the fact that it is the other who causes such well-being that you can even develop a visceral jealousy, or a sense of possession towards this person because you are worried about losing the one who makes you so happy. But then, often, after a certain period, this exaggeratedly positive perception deflates and you begin to perceive other aspects of this person, aspects that have always existed but you didn’t notice amidst your infatuation.

The previous completely unbalanced perception corrects itself, because now the other is not only adorable, beautiful, generous, available and in love with you, but in being themself they also manifest the most negative aspects of their character and attitudes. If the relationship is not based on sharing or accepting strong values, this is often the moment when it can fall into a crisis, because you start to believe you have chosen the wrong person.

The above is also true in the opposite situation, when you judge someone or something negatively and you are led to only emphasise the negative aspects without seeing anything good. Again, it is your biased perception that creates that result. Your emotions only allow you a partial and polarised perception of reality, a distorted, incomplete and relative vision that is "illusory", as Buddha would say.

So, when you give your emotions the power to guide your choices you must be aware that you are not objective and capable of evaluating the value of what you have in front of you. You are simply "preferring" a certain type of experience, and you should learn to evaluate the consequences of your biased perception.

Becoming able to see the positive side of every situation, together with the negative, allows you to give a true value of growth to every moment of your life. Often the most difficult and hostile people or situations in your life have led you to develop unthinkable levels of courage and resilience. You need both challenges and support to grow.

How can you learn to balance your perceptions to avoid being tripped up by your emotions? By learning to ask yourself what the positive (or negative) side of the situation/person is that you instinctively don’t see yet. Assuming that this other side of the coin exists allows you to see it sooner, while, on the contrary, if you continue to believe it doesn’t exist, you will never develop a full understanding.

Seeing the opposite polarity won’t always be easy or immediate; in fact, very often it will require some time and a certain emotional distance. But it will give you back the meaning of a “rounded” life, where nothing is missing, because every person and every situation is whole and complete, and your emotions only hide what you are not yet willing to accept.

(pic credit Dimmisvart for Unsplash)